Women, Career, and Men

I did not want to make this an issue about men and women. Although I do wonder if in many urban relationships, a woman usually wants to pursue her career before settling for marriage. My brother told me about a pair of his friends who were dating but weren’t 'settling'. I asked naively, “why?” He said, “one of them wants to get married, and the other wants to focus on career.” I asked again, “who wants to keep working?” He replied, “who do you think?” “Yeah, the girl”, I said.  

That conversation has stayed with me for more than a year now. While career is no easy choice for anyone, is it more important to women? Does the traditional gender role make the urban women have the need to prove themselves outside home? And, because men are expected to work, does marriage becomes an easy choice once they have a job?

In one year, I have heard a friend or a friend of friend, every now and then, excuse herself from marriage market because she wants to be someone before being what is expected of her. Does marriage threaten women to compromise with their individuality? Or do they want to prove that they can be bloody brilliant outside before settling in for a relationship that traditionally doesn’t expect them to go beyond their house? If the modern relationship does allow their individuality, how much are they willing to compromise before feeling guilty? And, if they are not willing to compromise, is that an end to every possible relationship in their life?

Source: Google Image Search

There are so many questions, and no answers. Many tag feminists as ‘enemy’ of traditional gender roles. They say, feminists are desperate not to fit into those roles and would do anything to get out of it. It does sound as a fear of being tagged as ‘just a housewife.’ The fear isn’t irrational even though feminism believes that a housewife is as empowered as a working woman. It just has to be a conscious choice. But, the question is why are we, the some of us who are, scared of being a housewife? The only point that occurs to me is that being a housewife is not a profession which clearly should be. After a wedding, the woman is wife to her husband, and housewife to her house. Strangely, it hadn’t occurred to me before this that men aren’t called househusbands because they fulfil their ‘professional’ roles outside to fit in the gender role inside the house. They are called so only when they ‘voluntarily’ choose to ‘work for house without getting paid because they love to cook/clean/etc/etc’ and are applauded by the society for a role that has been looked down upon for centuries.

I definitely like to believe that the thought of being ‘just a housewife’ is a difficult one even for a self-aware woman who is willing to explore her individuality before ‘settling’, especially when the society has narrowed its definition of ‘women empowerment’ to ‘women employment.’. It is better to do away with as many ‘what ifs’ of single life as possible before opening the book of ‘what ifs’ of relationships. And, I certainly hope that we are headed to a world where the ‘duties at home’ are considered equal to any other profession.

When I talk to some men in my life, they tell me how difficult it is for a man ‘too’. Yes, the sad part is in 2017 we are talking about men’s problems in statements that are incomplete without ‘too’. Even though it doesn’t seem as a bright side, I would like to believe that men are realizing that what has been their traditional gender role is problematic no matter how much they have fit into it. Going back to the ‘some men in my life’, they tell me they aren’t allowed to marry till their bank account says they are stable enough to start a family. This makes me wonder, is the urban man fighting his way into the house? Is marriage as big a goal for them as a career is for women?

Source: Google Image Search 

At the same time, I wonder if marriage is ‘getting the girl’ because those men also tell me who cares as long as they get girls? The statement makes me pity them. While raising strong independent women, did the society forget about men as they are biologically gifted with physical strength, and emotional and psychological strength doesn’t matter? I cannot help but wonder if an urban woman wants to make her choices, prioritizing carefully, and working really hard to get them when most of the men are playing on Chandler’s emotional level, “hopeless and awkward and desperate for love.”

If men are compromising for love and relationships, and women are prioritizing their individuality and career, where do the two genders meet? Or are we heading towards what I call a developing society where individuality is more important than social roles? Even though it does seem like a smog of genders and innumerable expanding questions, I am pretty sure that there’s going to be another day of sun. 


(This post is inspired by one sleepless night thinking about relationships and career. The way of writing is influenced by Sex and the City (TV Series) and The Carrie Diaries. I watched them back to back in four weeks which explains 'more questions than answers' here rather than 'analysis of a single question and possible answers' in my usual posts. I strongly believe that if I have to let something go, I have to put it out there and hope for the best. So, here's hoping a return to my usual style of writing.)